Holy Crap It's a Post
Yea... I never write anymore. Why? I don't know. So Hi everybody? How are you all doing?

Well me... I'm not so well. You see I have been in so many depressed states it's unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I feel great, that I'm productive, that I'm happy. But mostly, depression sets in. So first up, I have come to analyze why I am. I am materially and emotionally depleted. I lack the material gain to make it on my own, even after passing my national certification exam. I don't make a lot of money, and finding a massage therapy job around here is like trying to find a bride in a brothel. It isn't going to happen for me, especially because I'm a guy. So, I need to open my own practice. That once again goes back to the material wealth that I lack. Though... my grandfather's house has sold, so someday I should be receiving the money my grandfather left me. Gods I miss him... Anyways.

The emotional depletion is caused by several things. The biggest, my family. I have actually "moved out" in a since. My friend Randy has been giving me the option of living in his basement. Nice futon, a little cold, but I'm ok with it. However as of today I feel like I have become an intrusion. My friend Catherine, his girlfriend, went up to bed a moment ago. And she asked Randy to wake her up when he went up to bad. And jokingly I told her No. She snapped at me and said something along the lines of "well I haven't gotten to talk to him in like two weeks!" It's been a little over two weeks since I have been here... I guess I'm over staying my welcome. Maybe after this weekend I'll leave. I don't have much going on on Sunday. Back to the family... My mother is an emotional wreck. For those of you who read this and don't know, October 17th, 12:30 am my father had a stroke. A month later he had been released from the hospital. He is in great physical condition, with only minor pain in his right (stroke) side. However he has aphasia, and disconnect. So he can no longer work, and my mother had to claim "guardianship" over him. Honestly I believe that it will just take time for him to come back. He just needs time. It has only been 4 months. He is in speech therapy 3, used to be 5, days a week. Each day gets a little better, I can see it. However, my mother has gone into a major state of depression it seems. Yes, because Bob has the disconnect, he acts very irrationally at times. It happens. Yes, it is very difficult to understand him. That's a given. But my mother makes this out like it is the end of her world. That there is nothing left for her. I cannot stand that kind of attitude. Even in my own depression I know that there are things I can do to change things... I just have to figure out what they are. (Part of the reason for writing this post.) My mother barely sets foot into her own store now, and my sister has pretty much been running my mother's business, which has put her into a really tough predicament. She too is very aggravated with our mother.

Now there is more to the emotional depletion. for one, I'm lonely. Lame I know. But I have just been having a very tough time of mind right now. I made a mistake not long ago, and have paid for it, now the person who promised to be by my side through my troubles left me. Well, in the time her and I spoke about thing when I made the mistake, it came into being she was getting sick of me anyways, my mistake ended up just being a catalyst for her to make her motion to leave me. Knowing that has helped me through a lot of this. However, it doesn't fill the emptiness I feel in my heart. In time, that will heal. And when I say lonely, I don't mean "Oh I want another girlfriend right now!" lonely. I mean the feeling of wanted in general. Part of this problem is because I trust to easily, I begin to call people close friend, and then they screw me over. For example, one female friend of mine tossed me back and forth, saying she wanted to see me, then not, then again, then wanted nothing of me, but then blamed it all on something else going on in her life, that I wasn't even connected to at all. Another, an older friend that I sort of dated at one point, wanted to reconnect. Then she too seems to have decided she wants nothing to do with me now. Even though she told me differently, once again... I'm hurt because I trusted. Part of my new Anti-Hurt Plan is to stop even trying to talk to people, to stop trying to be friends with others. It's about time they come to me! It's about time they say Hi to me, call me, ask me to want to hang out! It's about time someone showed me some fucking respect!!!!

err... sorry.

I wrote that... and I decided that though I'm sorry for saying it, I won't delete it. It's feelings, that's what these journals are supposed to be about right?

So I have begun to formulate plans in my head, plans on how to go about with the rest of my life. I think I want to move. Where? Well I'm not sure yet. I have two different thoughts. Either move east or south. Out towards Boston, or down to CT. I could pay for my license, then attempt to find work in CT, also looking for a job down there, Branford Hall could help me find one, because they don't get any job offers for MA employment. So... yea... it's a thought I have been juggling.

Well anyways, most of you probably didn't even make it through it all anyways. I'll probably get a few short sympathy things. But no one has solutions, no one ever does...