The Book of Time

2:52am: Life's ponderings...
So we all try to discover who we are. What's our purpose? What's our role? I have been doing a lot of that kind of thinking the past few days.

Now in my ultimate geekiness, I put the concept in a fantasy story. Haha I know I know.

Well I'm not the powerful warrior character. I feel I'm pretty strong, but it's nothing remarkable.

I'm not the wise mage character. I'm relatively intelligent, but again it's nothing major.

Nor am I the cunning thief. I feel I'm clever, but nothing again to boast about. So what does that leave?

I don't have a specialty, I'm just a general balanced character. That leaves me as the hero. In general, most story lines the hero is just an everyday person who is thrown into some cataclysmic event that makes them who they are. That's just it, I'm that hero who rises to the challenge put before him.


~End Rambling~

10:21pm: Camera!
I'm excited. I saved money and bought myself a new digital camera :)

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8739966&productCategoryId=abcat0401002&type=product&id=1202429847854

That one :)

I am going to finally be able to start taking pictures again *does a merry little jig*

10:46pm: Sinfest Rocks my world sometimes
http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2981

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2982

4:19pm: LMAO!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27337812/?GT1=43001

Humanity makes me laugh.

12:45am: My Sunday
So Sunday was a mix kind of day for me. I slept in, even though I should have gone to training... oops :-P Then went out to do some tag saleing and Geocaching. Picked up a TV stand for $15. Made 3 finds in West Springfield. But in that hiking I realized that my boots where just shot. (When you can feel every twig and rock you step on through hiking boots, means it is time for a new pair) So I went to the dreaded wal-mart :-P It was on my way between where I was and the next area I wanted to cache in. But met up with Crystal for she was on her way there too and she helped me pick out boots. lol ultimately I ended up just buying a pair of the same ones again. "I didn't like the others... they where all too flat" Sorry random Python joke in there.

Well got into my jeep at the wal-mart parking lot, turned the key... nothing. Starter is dead shot. Crap. Well low and behold, I had some minor starter issues back when I bought the Jeep 2 years ago. My mechanic suggested that I buy a new starter, leave it in the jeep, and when it blows he'll come fix it. Well probably about a year ago I took it out of the Jeep because I didn't think I was going to have the problem. Ok... I'm in Westfield, Mechanic is in Southwick, I life in Agawam, and new starter is in Granville. How the hell was I going to do this? Well attempted to call Mother, but of course she failed to know where her phone was. My mechanic has no problem fixing it, but would rather not do it in the parking lot of wal-mart. Well luck was on my side for once and after about the 60th time of turning the key, the starter kicked and it roared with life again! Drove all the way up to Granville, got the starter, down to Southwick, got it replaced, and sadly by this time it was getting dark, so no caching for me. Which sucks. But hopefully I'll find time to get out again soon.

12:45am: My first tarot reading for myself in years....
I was scared to do this. I have not done a reading for myself in many years out of fear of the knowledge I would gain. Why did I fear this so long? What was there to be afraid of? Everything. I didn't want to know. But now I do. And I decided that I am going to share this knowledge.

First Card: Representation of who I am currently.

Four of Cups: Stop dwelling on old memories. A relationship is tested. You are experiencing illogical dissatisfaction with a relationship or job; step back and look at the problems before taking any action.

The first thing that jumped into my mind with this card was Julia. I do dwell on the memories I have with her. But then, it's not just Julia, I dwell on all my past relationships. I think about the great times I have had with people. The feelings that they bestowed upon me. This is... unhealthy. I shouldn't need that kind of... encouragement? I should be able to stand upon my own two feet and be proud of myself.

Second Card: Representation of my helpful forces in my life.

The Tower: You witness or experience a shocking event that leaves you changed. Potential catastrophe is near; be prepared. Your life is complicated by discord in a relationship or the family. Unforeseen setbacks bring despondency and a period of frustration. Your dreams may disintegrate into ashes.

I had to think long and hard about this card. How can something so negative sounding be a positive force. "life is complicated by discord in a relationship or the family." That was the key, my helpful force was the moving out. I was able to create a place for myself away from the discord, the drama, the deep seeding negative energy of the place.

Third Card: Representing the opposing forces in my life.

Four of Swords: This care heralds a time of rest after great anxiety and upset. There will be a pause before events move onto something better. You face a period of low physical energy.

It's the pause, the time of low physical energy that hinders me. Yes, it maybe time of rest, but rest is not what I need currently. I need that energy to continue on. I need that energy to do my work, live up to my responsibilities, I cannot slow down now.

Fourth Card: Representation of my current state of mind or surroundings

Page of Swords: You may have an impulsive desire for new experiences that could cause problems. Be warned of unexpected changes. This card is an advanced notice of a trouble period in life.

I know not what my impulsive desire is. I know my desires, but what is it that I will do that will not be thought out? And an advanced notice? Probably caused by that impulse.

Fifth Card: Representation of my subconscious, deeper thoughts.

The Wheel: Luck and fate are turning in your favor. Your life has entered a change of cycles that will allow you to move forward or slide backward, depending upon your preparation and determination. It is time to makes changes. Break with incompatible loves, friends, relationships, or careers.

Strange, this tells of time of change, yet I am to be wary of unexpected changes. I think that leads back to the impulsive. I have felt that 'change of cycles' already happening. I feel it has been doing so for sometime now. I have already made many of those breaks with loves, friends, and such.

Sixth Card: Representation of the past. Things that have been.

Five of Cups: You maybe hurt from seeing through an illusion. This is a period when you tend to swell only on negative events or happenings. This care foretells the possibility of a divorce of the break up of a marriage or friendship. You may need to fight against a feeling of depression.

Very clear here. Many illusions where stripped from my vision, I lost friendships, relationships, and even myself for a while. I fought depression. Have I won?

Seventh Card: Representing things that are to come if things stay as they are.

Ten of Cups: Goals are reached successfully. Contentment and happiness come into your life. Strong friendships or love brighten your existence. A joyful family occasion is possible.

Well good news it seems. But of course I ask myself, how many more struggles must I face before happiness? As for a 'joyful family occasion', I doubt it, unless my mother isn't there.



Well thank you if you read through this entire thing. I wouldn't mind some input if you have any.

12:30am: Hahaha "Last updated 20 weeks ago"
Yea. Long time. I wonder how many people even remember who I am. I wonder how many people may have deleted me from their friend's list long ago due to my... lacking. Who knows.

Anyways I thought I should explain a bit about me before I started posting other things that I would like to keep on file.

May was a long time ago, so I shall just start from where I can remember. I ended up getting my CT massage therapy license, I now work at a wellness clinic called Massage Envy in South Windsor, CT. I also continue to work at the Summer House. So currently I work about 60 hrs in a week.

As for my living condition, I moved into my own apartment at the beginning of September. It is a tiny hole in the wall place, but it is my own, I love it.

My father is still on a balance. Recently he began to have seizures, which have been controlled now by medication. However their exact cause is unknown. There are theories, but how well do those play out? Though speech is still very minimum for him, I feel he has made tremendous progress in the last year. Can you believe? It's almost been a year since my father's stroke.

My mental condition? Well on a normal basis it has been great. The move has helped me tremendously. Though at this current moment of writing all aspects of my mind are darkened. Maybe that is why I write now? To clear the mind.

In such a large span of time (or small, depending upon how you wish to look upon it) I have very little to write about. Life progresses steadily though.

10:18am: Though she'll never see it...
"I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand and fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you
And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
Every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer,
How much longer?

They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sum of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life
If you became another's wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you

And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominions over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories In all our histories
Without love

A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you

And though you hold the keys to ruin of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust my enemies walk free
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand and fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you"

-Sting, Mad about you

11:58pm: It's become apparent, I like abuse...
I'm strange. I seem to have a knack for wanting to make things physically more exerting upon myself. I work two jobs now, one of them I work 30-40 hrs a week in the restaurant. The other is with the flower shop delivering during the day if I have the day off or the night shift with the restaurant. I worked 10-4 Thursday at the restaurant, left, went back in for 7 and closed at 9 (left about 9:30ish after all the cleaning). Then went and played several hours of ultimate Frisbee with people i work with. Friday I awaken with my legs practically burning in the muscles because I haven't done soooooo much running in forever. Worked the flower shop, then went into the restaurant for 5 till closing again. Today, went in to the restaurant at 11, left about 10ish because it was an UBER busy day!!! And went and played another house of ultimate Frisbee with people... yea... I guess I like abuse....

12:29am: Lost...
I have lost my grandfather...

I have lost my father...

I have lost my mother...

I have lost my lover...

I have lost my innocence...

I have lost myself...

Gods help me, I'm lost!

12:45am: *cries*
I hate my mind I hate my mind!

or... maybe it's my heart....

*cries*

11:16pm: Holy Crap It's a Post
Yea... I never write anymore. Why? I don't know. So Hi everybody? How are you all doing?

Well me... I'm not so well. You see I have been in so many depressed states it's unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I feel great, that I'm productive, that I'm happy. But mostly, depression sets in. So first up, I have come to analyze why I am. I am materially and emotionally depleted. I lack the material gain to make it on my own, even after passing my national certification exam. I don't make a lot of money, and finding a massage therapy job around here is like trying to find a bride in a brothel. It isn't going to happen for me, especially because I'm a guy. So, I need to open my own practice. That once again goes back to the material wealth that I lack. Though... my grandfather's house has sold, so someday I should be receiving the money my grandfather left me. Gods I miss him... Anyways.

The emotional depletion is caused by several things. The biggest, my family. I have actually "moved out" in a since. My friend Randy has been giving me the option of living in his basement. Nice futon, a little cold, but I'm ok with it. However as of today I feel like I have become an intrusion. My friend Catherine, his girlfriend, went up to bed a moment ago. And she asked Randy to wake her up when he went up to bad. And jokingly I told her No. She snapped at me and said something along the lines of "well I haven't gotten to talk to him in like two weeks!" It's been a little over two weeks since I have been here... I guess I'm over staying my welcome. Maybe after this weekend I'll leave. I don't have much going on on Sunday. Back to the family... My mother is an emotional wreck. For those of you who read this and don't know, October 17th, 12:30 am my father had a stroke. A month later he had been released from the hospital. He is in great physical condition, with only minor pain in his right (stroke) side. However he has aphasia, and disconnect. So he can no longer work, and my mother had to claim "guardianship" over him. Honestly I believe that it will just take time for him to come back. He just needs time. It has only been 4 months. He is in speech therapy 3, used to be 5, days a week. Each day gets a little better, I can see it. However, my mother has gone into a major state of depression it seems. Yes, because Bob has the disconnect, he acts very irrationally at times. It happens. Yes, it is very difficult to understand him. That's a given. But my mother makes this out like it is the end of her world. That there is nothing left for her. I cannot stand that kind of attitude. Even in my own depression I know that there are things I can do to change things... I just have to figure out what they are. (Part of the reason for writing this post.) My mother barely sets foot into her own store now, and my sister has pretty much been running my mother's business, which has put her into a really tough predicament. She too is very aggravated with our mother.

Now there is more to the emotional depletion. for one, I'm lonely. Lame I know. But I have just been having a very tough time of mind right now. I made a mistake not long ago, and have paid for it, now the person who promised to be by my side through my troubles left me. Well, in the time her and I spoke about thing when I made the mistake, it came into being she was getting sick of me anyways, my mistake ended up just being a catalyst for her to make her motion to leave me. Knowing that has helped me through a lot of this. However, it doesn't fill the emptiness I feel in my heart. In time, that will heal. And when I say lonely, I don't mean "Oh I want another girlfriend right now!" lonely. I mean the feeling of wanted in general. Part of this problem is because I trust to easily, I begin to call people close friend, and then they screw me over. For example, one female friend of mine tossed me back and forth, saying she wanted to see me, then not, then again, then wanted nothing of me, but then blamed it all on something else going on in her life, that I wasn't even connected to at all. Another, an older friend that I sort of dated at one point, wanted to reconnect. Then she too seems to have decided she wants nothing to do with me now. Even though she told me differently, once again... I'm hurt because I trusted. Part of my new Anti-Hurt Plan is to stop even trying to talk to people, to stop trying to be friends with others. It's about time they come to me! It's about time they say Hi to me, call me, ask me to want to hang out! It's about time someone showed me some fucking respect!!!!

err... sorry.

I wrote that... and I decided that though I'm sorry for saying it, I won't delete it. It's feelings, that's what these journals are supposed to be about right?

So I have begun to formulate plans in my head, plans on how to go about with the rest of my life. I think I want to move. Where? Well I'm not sure yet. I have two different thoughts. Either move east or south. Out towards Boston, or down to CT. I could pay for my license, then attempt to find work in CT, also looking for a job down there, Branford Hall could help me find one, because they don't get any job offers for MA employment. So... yea... it's a thought I have been juggling.

Well anyways, most of you probably didn't even make it through it all anyways. I'll probably get a few short sympathy things. But no one has solutions, no one ever does...

11:10pm: ...
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all...

4:29pm:

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

9:50pm:

6:57am: Is Anyone Really Surprised by These Results?

You scored as Dragon. You are a dragon. You very, VERY easily angered and are extremely protective. Take a chill pill and stop running around breathing fire on people. Chances are they're only trying to help you... </td> Goddess 83% Vampyre 83% Dragon 83% Sorceress 75% Elf 75% Drow 67% Wolf 58% Faerie 50% Zombie 33% Shadow Spirit 8% What ancient breed are you? created with QuizFarm.com

1:27pm: Nerd

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Gamer/Computer Nerd   You enjoy the visual stimulants of a video game, chatting on AIM, or reading online comics. Most of these types of nerds are considered dirty who lack hygeine, of course they always end up being the ones who make a crapload of money. And don't worry, that's just a stereotype; I'm not calling you dirty. ^_~
Musician
Science/Math Nerd
Social Nerd
Literature Nerd
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Drama Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

11:17pm: Yay Nature

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

8:56pm: Since I don't drink or 'get high' I will live forever!!!!!

You'll die from a Drug or Alcohol accident.

Let's face it - when you get drunk/high you lose all control and do stupid stuff. Unfortunately in your case those propaganda anti-escapism commercials prove true.

'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com

9:26am: Yay evil!

How evil are you?

9:42pm: It's been almost three months since he's been gone
Because I miss him.

Go placidly amid the noise & haste & remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your buisness affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affections. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsal of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the tree & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

3:11pm: You have to love when fantasy and reality collide

Druid 40% Combativeness, 100% Sneakiness, 58% Intellect, 52% Spirituality

Sneaky, cunning, and spiritual: You are a Druid! Druids work with nature to cast their spells and favor balance over extremes. They're shapeshifters, capable of taking the forms of natural creatures. While they don't always deal well with people, they do have animal companions to come to their aid. You are probably intelligent, spiritual, and more than a little deceptive. Fortunately, your lack of violent tendencies means you are also likely to be level-headed.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Combativeness You scored higher than 99% on Sneakiness You scored higher than 99% on Intellect You scored higher than 99% on Spirituality

Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

1:29pm: Yay Elementals

The Faery/Elemental You scored 23 alien-ness, 65 mythical-ness, 31 angelic-ness, and 29 regal-ness!

Faery/Elemental In your last and many of your previous lives you were a faery (broad term for faries, elves, sprites, pooka etc) elemental and one of the spirit guardians of an animal, stream, tree, plant or human. It was your job to give that creature or place spiritual protection. You might have enjoyed playing pranks or have had a whistful poetic nature. You might have been a ferocious fire-sprite or had succubus tendendcies. In any case you are reincarnated now in human form to stand up for the environment and the animals. At your best you were glamorous, powerful, happy go lucky and sensual. At your worst you were replusive, melancholic, and nasty. In this life you must be strong, you have a very sensitive side you must protect. Stand up for what you believe in and if you feel drawn to the occult go with your feelings but be careful!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on alien-ness You scored higher than 99% on mythical-ness You scored higher than 99% on angelic-ness You scored higher than 99% on regal-ness

Link: The PREVIOUS INCARNATION Test written by Fyrdancer on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

10:22am: Man I am getting bored :-P

You scored as William Wallace. The great Scottish warrior William Wallace led his people against their English oppressors in a campaign that won independence for Scotland and immortalized him in the hearts of his countrymen. With his warrior's heart, tactician's mind, and poet's soul, Wallace was a brilliant leader. He just wanted to live a simple life on his farm, but he gave it up to help his country in its time of need. </td> William Wallace 83% Maximus 79% Captain Jack Sparrow 75% Indiana Jones 71% The Terminator 54% Neo, the "One" 54% El Zorro 46% The Amazing Spider-Man 46% Lara Croft 42% Batman, the Dark Knight 29% James Bond, Agent 007 21% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

6:19pm:

You scored as Shamanic Pagan. A shamanic pagan's roots are generally found in Native American faith. A true love and respect for the earth and all that it yields is central to their faith. Wisdom is most often found in spirit guides or totems, who can be animals, ancestors, or spirits. Pagans who follow this path tend to be far more aware of the delicate web that interweaves the lives of every person and thus move within that web accordingly. They're usually deeply insightful, friendly, loving people and excellent friends and parents. Mysterious and strong, as well, they are often the protectors of their friends and family as well as the moral compass for their friends and loved ones. </td> Shamanic Pagan 70% Celtic Pantheonic Pagan 65% Zoroastrian Pagan 60% Ecclectic Pagan 55% Norse Pantheonic Pagan (Asatru) 45% Eastern Pagan 45% Sumerian, Babylonian, and Mesopotamian Pagans 45% Kabbalistic Pagan 45% Roman Pantheonic Pagan 20% Egyptian Pantheonic Pagan 20% Greek Pantheonic Pagan 20% Catholic (Pagan?) 0% What kind of Pagan are you? created with QuizFarm.com